Defeated

This is my painting, I made it on July 3, 2018. I named it "Defeated". It's acrylic on canvas, I forgot the size, I used an old canvas that I had with a horrible painting. Well that's a brief info about the painting, now my art style. I usually paint abstract expressionism, so I don't have figures, just colors, those colors represents the emotions I felt while painting, but for the first time since I started painting, I was able to paint something with a meaning. Something that calls out my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings, it has relevance!

Pride Month passed as well as the march. The Philippines had their Pride March on June 30, 2018, I really wanted to go, not because I'm an ally but because I'm bisexual. If you're a friend of mine and just new to the news, maybe because we haven't talked about it and if you're a family member, please...don't tell anyone at home yet. Don't even send them the link to this. I'm not ready for them to know about it, if you want to know why...continue reading.

A quick definition of Bisexual, a bisexual is someone who has romantic feelings for both genders. Yes, it's possible, and no! Dating someone of the same gender doesn't make me lesbian, and dating someone of the opposite sex makes me straight. It is not a phase, or social media poisoning my mind. I have known I was bisexual since I was in my third year of high school, during that time I was completely unaware of what LGBTQ+ was like what my family wanted me to be, completely unaware of anything that is regarded as a sin that will bring you to hell. I later knew about the community when I was in 4th year high school. And still, my family and friends did not know anything except my basketball teammates. I did not come out, I just had the romantic feelings for a girl. I remained quiet about my sexuality, until I reached college, I wanted to start new, since I realized that I was hiding who I was. So I told my classmates, and I told my group of friends in college, and they supported me, I felt love. Then I met this girl online, I'll call her Rose, she was from MAPUA, for the first time since I accepted my sexuality, I courted her, for a short while, but my time with her was pure happiness. I felt safe being with someone.

The feeling I felt when I was with rose was a feeling that I did not feel at home. Yes, they are my family and I should feel safe right? But I didn't. Every time I show an ounce of support for the LGBTQ+ community I get this lecture from my family that the community is wrong and I should not be supporting it. I felt that when I do come out, I will be shunned, I will be asked questions continuously of what am I? Or will be continuously be asked to pray and stay at church until I become straight "again". How will I feel safe when I don't feel accepted? I smile, I feel happy at times, but not always. I still feel out of place here even when I have a better relationship with my family.

From the long story that I've told you perhaps you already have an idea what "Defeated" is about, if not, here is the quick explanation.

Defeated, is me, the me who is hidden from my family. I'm silent from speaking of who I am and what I feel is right, my eyes are covered because I can't show my true emotions. I'm gripping on the Pride flag because I don't want to let it go, I want to continue fighting, I want to continue to accept myself.

#LGBTQ #PrideFlag #Family #Acceptance #PrideMonth #Bisexual